“You don’t understand, Jules… you weren’t there,” Canice panted as if she had just escaped certain doom.
Jules wasn’t buying it.
“I’m serious, Jules… it’s not funny,” Candice, who had collapsed in a desk next to Jules, crossed her arms in a display of over-exaggerated outrage.
Deciding it would just be easier to go along with her friend, especially when she was in one of her ‘moods’, Jules let out a defeated sigh and said, “Ok Candice. Tell me again, what happened?”
Lighting up at the chance to recount her harrowing ordeal, Candice leaned in towards Jules, as if about to share a precious secret, and in a voice several octaves lower than usual began her story. Jules tried to pay attention, but as Candice droned on and on about this latest life-altering experience, she found herself drifting off- alternating between daydreaming and just completely zoning out.
Returning to the land of the conscious some minutes later, Jules ‘came to’ as Candice was saying, “It was terrible, Jules- I was paralyzed with fear. They just kept shooting, I tried to get out of the way but there was nowhere to go. I got hit once in the abdomen and then another hit me right below my eye as I tried to hunch down and duck for cover. I’m still shaking… the whole thing, it was just… it was just surreal…”
Focusing in on the words ‘shooting’ and ‘hit in the abdomen… and below the eye’ and only half-listening to what Candice had been saying, Jules launched out of her desk and immediately started searching for wounds or blood on her friend.
“Jules, what the heck are you doing? Cut it out!” Candice swatted her friend’s hands away as Jules attempted to raise the side of Candice’s shirt to assess the wound she had suffered to her abdomen.
“What do you mean? You said you were shot! Candice you should be on your way to the hospital… now show me where you were shot, I’m not seeing any blood or anything. How big was the bullet?” Jules replied, clearly shaken and on the edge of panic.
“Bullet? What bullet? There was no bullet. Were you even listening to me? I wasn’t really shot, it was just Dr. Anderson’s motion-detecting candy dispenser. I stopped by his office to grab some M&Ms from his candy dispenser and I guess the sensor was all whacked out because it just started shooting M&Ms all over his office. We both had to crawl on the floor to avoid being pelted before Dr. Anderson managed to turn the thing off,” Candice looked at her friend skeptically, before adding, “Jeez Jules… you’re so dramatic.”
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: At work it is customary for each of us to have a bowl of chocolate or candy on our desk to help appease the stressed out and frazzled PT students who seem to function on sugar and caffeine alone most times. Brianna, our program’s assistant caught on to this cultural practice and brought in a motion-sensor candy dispenser which current contains M&Ms. It’s actually quite a neat contraption, there are three settings, ‘Off’, ‘1’ and ‘2’ and when you would like a treat you just select ‘1’ or ‘2’ and the things will dispense that number of candies to your waiting hand- except if you are me, that is. This machine hates me, I am convinced of it. First off, I feel ridiculous standing in front of this thing with my hand out waiting for it to acknowledge me. Second, it either never works or decides to work too well, as it did today. So there I am, palm outstretched to receive my treat like a good little dog and nothing happens. So I mess with the setting and then try again. Just as I’m ready to walk away empty-handed, tail between my legs, the thing goes nuts and starts spewing out M&Ms like some possessed paperboy on a vengeance ride. M&Ms are flying everywhere, they are all over the counter, the floor in the chairs and all the while I’m trying to get it to stop but every time I move it thinks I’m asking for more and chucks out a few more candy-coated jewel-toned bits in my general direction. Finally, Brianna gets the devil machine to stop as I am at this time cowering behind the desk in an attempt to remove myself from its evil detection. Don’t worry though, I managed to do all of this while still clutching a handful of the candy, and after the ordeal was over and the mess was cleaned up rewarded myself with the now-melted chocolates. As I gazed at my rainbow-dyed hand I couldn’t help but think, “Melts in your mouth, not in your hand” and what a bunch of bull that was.
Love & Squirrels.