Gather round ye imps and snotty-nosed wastrels, I have a tale that must be heard. Tis the tale of that scurvy lass, the witch of the waters, the siren of the seven seas, a temptress and marauder the likes of which no man had ever seen before and will ever see again. Filled with hate was her heart, her veins, if tapped, would spill ice water. Cruel and desperately intelligent, she could convince ye to hand over yer life’s savings and kiss her boots for her trouble. She’d just as soon make love to ye as carve you up to feed to her mongrel dog, Gigi. But a beauty she was, nonetheless- she could make a man fall in love with a wink of her sapphire eyes and even the lowest cutthroat could be lulled to submission by the sway of her hips. Her hair, like a raven’s wing, wild and curled by the salt air, her complexion was an exotic mocha, so smooth you’d swear you could sip it. Iron Ethel Kidd, or ‘Kiddy’ to her friends, if she had any, and her loyal crew of cast offs were the terror of the sea.
But it wasn’t always that way, cherubs, Kiddy was once an innocent, and was in fact a royal czaress from the frozen tundra of Russia. But the world was cruel to her, her family was destroyed, her riches and palaces scattered to the four winds, her birthright stripped. Vowing revenge for the cruel blow fate gave her, Kiddy set about the dirty business of revenge and reinstating all that had been torn away from her and her family.
Finding willing and able bodied men wasn’t easy for the lass, as her sex prevented many from taking her seriously in those early days. But Kiddy would not be deterred. After weeks of searching she was finally able to gather together four sorry souls who had either no dignity left or needed the coin. Promising riches and plenty of booty, Kiddy vowed to the four that so long as they were loyal to her they would never want- and she kept her promise. Before setting sail for her next port, Kiddy made sure to send a message to all the dogs who laughed and spit at her as she searched for her crew. In the twilight hours she snuck into each home and fitted a full skirt or petticoat onto every slumbering man in town. Then… she set the entire town on fire.
This became Kiddy’s calling card- dressing men in drag just before setting the town ablaze and everyone feared her all the more for the demoralizing act. And then one night years later, just as Kiddy was about to torch a little town called Cai Tai, a young wife interrupted her just as she was sliding a nice calico day dress on the woman’s husband. With tears blooming in her eyes, the young lass looked over at Kiddy and before Kiddy could react the woman began to cry. Blubbering like a girl in short pants she was, and Kiddy, well Kiddy didn’t know what to make of it. As a hardened mistress of her ship and pirate to boot, Kiddy had little experience with crying. Feeling ill at ease as she never had before, Kiddy was unprepared for this kind of assault. Thinking only of a quick escape from the hysterical woman, she did the only thing she could think of- handed the calico to the woman and ran. She ran all the way back to her ship and made the order to sail as she jumped aboard form the dock.
Kiddy was never heard from again. It was rumored she had shacked up somewhere in the Caribbean with the piles of gold and riches she amassed. Other accounts claim she couldn’t get that woman’s sobbing out of her head and threw herself into the ocean. Whatever the truth, that was the last we heard from ‘Kiddy’ Iron Ethel Kidd.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: It was quite the interesting day at work for me… let’s see, I was in fear of my life from a Russian woman who was irate and stalking me (all of that is a gross exaggeration and at no time was my life actually in danger) I made a girl cry during an advising session and I filled four slots that I needed to fill with some good people (sorry for the ambiguity, but don’t want to lose my job!). So the Russian chick really really needed me to evaluate the transcripts she sent over yesterday- something I wasn’t able to get to until late this afternoon. So she called me, three times, each time I was either on another call or out of the office. This apparently sent this woman into a tailspin, so much so she called the main office and screamed at our poor graduate student, April. The catch is, I had already answered this person, and if she had checked her inbox she would have seen three emails from me waiting for her. I love when that happens. As far as making a girl cry? Yeah… this was a new one for me, I mean I’ve dealt with crying students before but I never really know how to react when they turn on the waterworks. It’s so uncomfortable, especially when it’s in regard to really personal information that I didn’t ask for, yikes. So, that was my fun day at work… wonder what’s going to go down tomorrow?
TWO: The name ‘Iron Ethel Kidd’ was actually the pirate name that was generated when I took the very scientific “What’s my pirate name?” quiz online. Thought it was pretty rad.
Love & Squirrels.