The Official Guidelines of Falling Correctly:
- Make sure you are in a public setting. Busy intersections, outside of a grocery store on a Sunday or the entrance of a movie theater are all ideal locals.
- Be sure to dress appropriately… the key word being ‘dress’. Any faller worth her salt knows it must be done while wearing a dress for full impact. A skirt will do in a pinch.
- Carry at least one full grocery bag or any object that is unwieldy in at least one of your hands. Be sure to drop said object on your way to the ground for added dramatic effect. Extra points if it’s breakable.
- If you can manage to be in mid-conversation when the fall occurs, causing whoever is accompanying you to use the phrase, “I was talking to you and then I looked back and you weren’t there!” or any variant your skills as a faller are to be admired.
- Some believe that being under the influence of a few adult beverages improves the faller’s overall technique but purists prefer sober falling or no falling at all. The school of thought you adhere to is your choice alone. While drunk falling is more popular it does not require the dedication and planning involved in sober falling.
- Sustaining injuries is not necessary nor is it frowned upon. Extreme fallers believe the only true fall is one in which skin is lacerated or bruised or worse.
- Footwear is important when falling. Be sure to select something flimsy, poorly-fitted and unsupportive when choosing your shoes for the day of the fall.
- Falling can be done anywhere there is uneven ground, stairs or steps being the most available terrain. You can choose to fall ‘up’ the steps or ‘down’ the stairs, whichever of these you are more adept.
- Your reaction to your fall is almost as important as the fall itself. Crying, screaming or other outbursts brought on by a fall are not looked well upon. Bite your lip, take a bow and nurse your wounds in privacy. Falling is an art, not a sideshow.
- Above all, once you commit to the fall, you must see it through.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: I’m super lame… literally. I took a bit of a tumble this afternoon, you see. And now, I’m laid up on the couch with a bag of frozen edamame on my ankle with plenty of time to think about how epic my fall was. Why is it, that every time I fall (and yes, I fall quite often… I think I’ve even blogged about it before) I am usually wearing a dress, talking to someone, in a very public place or carrying something… or all of the above (as was the case this afternoon as I took a wrong step off of a curb, yes a curb, and went down). I’ll be ok, nothing’s broken or anything… well, except my ego perhaps.
Only one month left and I’m done with my project!!! I can’t believe it’s been almost a full year since I set out to blog everyday about something that happened to me that day and work it into fiction. It’s so exciting to be almost to the end, although a bit bittersweet. 30 more posts and I’m outta here!
Love & Squirrels.