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Monthly Archives: March 2012

Day #347: She’s Crazier Than a Coconut…

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The Story:

“Listen Frank, the bats are having a tea party. Can you hear them? Oh! And they have just invited Little Debbie to join them, how exquisite!”

Reggie danced around the living room of his one-bedroom apartment in disjointed and erratic movements. Frank had suspected Reggie wasn’t quite himself when they spoke earlier on the phone, but the scene he walked into was something he hadn’t prepared for. The furniture in the living space was mostly hidden beneath what appeared to be every pillow and blanket Reggie owned. It looked like a haphazard attempt at a fort that’s concept had been abandoned half-way through. In the kitchen, all of the cabinet doors were open, and it looked as if Reggie had designed a sort of mobile out of much of the dishware and all of the spoons.

"Oh hey, Frank! Didn't see you there. Let me park my griffin and I'll be right with you."

“I’ve finished my butterfly and now I’m fashioning the leaves. What do you think?” Reggie pranced past Frank and actually wiggled his butt as he went by- an act that was so out-of-character it shocked Frank much more than any of the other craziness surrounding him.

What the hell is going on here?!?” Frank thought to himself as he watched his friend try to paint the walls with a toothbrush and green mouthwash. Frank thought back to the last time he had seen Reggie. It had been two weeks ago at the bar. As usual on Fridays, they had met up after work to grab a few drinks and let off some steam. Now that he thought about it, Reggie had mentioned something about feeling a little under the weather but Frank hadn’t thought much of it. But then Reggie hadn’t shown up last Friday for their drink and when he had missed their unofficial meet-up without so much as a text, Frank grew a little worried and decided to check in on his friend- and had discovered the Wonderland-on-a-budget scene that had replaced what was usually a nondescript bachelor pad.

"Two weeks prior..."

From the looks of it, Reggie had been holed up in this dump for that entire time. “Hey Tinkerbelle! How long since you left Neverland?” Reggie shouted over to where Frank was using a chopstick as a sewing needle and sat on the kitchen floor mending the colander.

“Two weeks, buddy! Ha ha ha! Two weeks! Came down with a nasty bug and the doc said I had to stay holed up until the meds ran out. It’s sad though, they are so pretty, I hate eating them… green and purple, and sometimes I let them melt on my tongue and then look at how the colors melt together before I swallow it. Want a coconut?” Reggie asked with all earnestness.

"Dude, it's really no trouble... I mean I'm already up here so..."

“Nah buddy, I’m good, thanks…” Frank threw his whacked-out friend a smile before turning his back and pulling out his cell phone. After dialing a few numbers he brought the phone to his ear and in another moment said into the receiver, “Yeah, I’m going to need an ambulance over at 1001 Green Top Boulevard, apartment 5B…”

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      Being sick, I’ve been holed up in my house for the last two days and I’m going a bit stir crazy. I don’t feel well enough to really do anything productive so I’m forced to kind of just lay here and pass the time with my cross stitch, snoring dog and Hulu queue. I did manage to leave the house for a short trip to Office Depot and Big Lots, but that was pretty much the highlight of my day. So, I thought about what it would be like to literally never leave the house for a longer span of time… I don’t think I would handle it very well.

TWO:    Much of the craziness demonstrated by Reggie was inspired by things I encountered today**, including:

  • A TV show about makeup artists who had to design an alien that looked like a bat
  • Another TV show where they were making an epic blanket and pillow fort
  • I’m cross stitching a design with a bird, butterfly and leaves on it… working on the branches today
  • I bought coconut M&M’s today. They are delicious.

**I told you, I didn’t get out much today.

 

Love & Squirrels.

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Day #346: I’m A Sicky

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The Story:

Why It’s Great To Be Sick:

  1. You get to sleep a whole bunch with none of the guilt. Ten hour nap on a Tuesday? It’s ok… I’m sick.
  2. People go out of their way to do stuff for you. Need your new stationary bike assembled but don’t have the energy? Don’t worry, you won’t have to even ask, you can just stay on the couch and give ‘helpful’ instructions in-between naps. Love ya, Andy!
  3. It’s a great excuse to keep people from invading your personal space. “Oh you want me to hold your baby? Gosh, I sure would love to but darn it, I’m sick… Oops, looks like he puked a little on you, how cute.”
  4. You can surround yourself with comfort foods and drinks in an effort to feel better. Chai tea latte? Check. Panera cheddar & broccoli soup? Check. A swimming pool of ginger ale? CHECK. Added bonus- most if not all items are hand delivered by a sympathetic loved one or friend. Such service.
  5. You can look like a slob, skip showers etc. and no one will say ‘boo’ about it.
  6. Your puppy dog intuits that you need a snuggle buddy and is happy to oblige by sleeping on your chest or in the curve of your neck for most of the afternoon.
  7. Your voice takes on a husky, raspy tone so you can practice your Jessica Rabbit impressions with impressive accuracy.
  8. Even the smallest accomplishment seems worth of celebration. A successful trip to the toilet? Awesome! You brought in the mail all by yourself? Wow. You, my friend, are a rock star.
  9. Bed time is any time.
  10. Your breath is perpetually fresh thanks to the Honey, Lemon & Echinacea Ricola you’re popping like Tic Tacs.

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      Ok, so no one really likes to be sick, but if you wind up coming down with something, might as well look on the positive side, right? So after putting in a few hours at work, I hit the wall and decided (with some prompting from a concerned coworker) that I better get my butt home before I started to feel so bad driving would become an issue. Once home, I immediately surrounded myself with blankets, my mini doxie, Joey and the usual sicky accoutrement of tissues, cough drops, and ginger ale (my go to). Being sick is no fun, I won’t argue that, but if you find yourself under the weather at least take advantage of some of the ‘perks’. Now you’ll have to excuse me, time for some more sleepy.

Totally me... thanks for talking some sense into me, Tish! 🙂

Love & Squirrels.

Day #345: What Have You Done Today?

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The Story:

Little girl, little girl

What have you done today?

I have done nothing,

Nothing but play.

Young lady, young lady

What will you do this week?

Not that it matters- I choose to do nothing,

My life is so desperately bleak.

Hello ma’am, hello ma’am

Tell me about your year?

Honestly sir, there is nothing to tell…

Can you believe it’s already the New Year?

 

Grandma, Grandma

Tell us about your life in past decades?

 Hmmm… nothing comes to mind…

Now who’s up for a game of Spades?

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      Ever have those moments where you think about your life and you wonder, “What the heck have I been doing all this time?” and the answer sounds something like, “A whole bunch of nothing, that’s what I’ve been doing.” Today was another day that will probably go down in the books as one more wasted for yours truly. I’m feeling a bit under the weather, both physically and emotionally- I’m flat out drained. After 9 hours of having to be ‘on’ at work and have all the answers at the drop of a hat, by the time I get home, especially when I’m not feeling well, the last thing I want to do is…well, anything. The little ditty above is a version of a dialog I have with myself from time to time, and encapsulates my underlying fear, a fear I think we all share on some level, that life will pass me by and I will not have done anything of consequence. I’d like to think that when I’m gone, or even while I’m still around (preferably) I will have done something of import, I will have impacted someone or something, I will have lived a life worth living. Today, I feel like I let myself down. Luckily, tomorrow is only a few hours away. See you then.

Love & Squirrels.

Day #344: Disaster Dispenser

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The Story:

“You don’t understand, Jules… you weren’t there,” Canice panted as if she had just escaped certain doom.

Jules wasn’t buying it.

“I’m serious, Jules… it’s not funny,” Candice, who had collapsed in a desk next to Jules, crossed her arms in a display of over-exaggerated outrage.

Deciding it would just be easier to go along with her friend, especially when she was in one of her ‘moods’, Jules let out a defeated sigh and said, “Ok Candice. Tell me again, what happened?”

Lighting up at the chance to recount her harrowing ordeal, Candice leaned in towards Jules, as if about to share a precious secret, and in a voice several octaves lower than usual began her story. Jules tried to pay attention, but as Candice droned on and on about this latest life-altering experience, she found herself drifting off- alternating between daydreaming and just completely zoning out.

"Is that b*tch still talking?!?"

Returning to the land of the conscious some minutes later, Jules ‘came to’ as Candice was saying, “It was terrible, Jules- I was paralyzed with fear. They just kept shooting, I tried to get out of the way but there was nowhere to go. I got hit once in the abdomen and then another hit me right below my eye as I tried to hunch down and duck for cover. I’m still shaking… the whole thing, it was just… it was just surreal…”

Focusing in on the words ‘shooting’ and ‘hit in the abdomen… and below the eye’ and only half-listening to what Candice had been saying, Jules launched out of her desk and immediately started searching for wounds or blood on her friend.

“Jules, what the heck are you doing? Cut it out!” Candice swatted her friend’s hands away as Jules attempted to raise the side of Candice’s shirt to assess the wound she had suffered to her abdomen.

“What do you mean? You said you were shot! Candice you should be on your way to the hospital… now show me where you were shot, I’m not seeing any blood or anything. How big was the bullet?” Jules replied, clearly shaken and on the edge of panic.

“Bullet? What bullet? There was no bullet. Were you even listening to me? I wasn’t really shot, it was just Dr. Anderson’s motion-detecting candy dispenser. I stopped by his office to grab some M&Ms from his candy dispenser and I guess the sensor was all whacked out because it just started shooting M&Ms all over his office. We both had to crawl on the floor to avoid being pelted before Dr. Anderson managed to turn the thing off,” Candice looked at her friend skeptically, before adding, “Jeez Jules… you’re so dramatic.”

"Dr. Anderson, if you can hear me you are going to have to eat your way out, ok?"

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      At work it is customary for each of us to have a bowl of chocolate or candy on our desk to help appease the stressed out and frazzled PT students who seem to function on sugar and caffeine alone most times. Brianna, our program’s assistant caught on to this cultural practice and brought in a motion-sensor candy dispenser which current contains M&Ms. It’s actually quite a neat contraption, there are three settings, ‘Off’, ‘1’ and ‘2’ and when you would like a treat you just select ‘1’ or ‘2’ and the things will dispense that number of candies to your waiting hand- except if you are me, that is. This machine hates me, I am convinced of it. First off, I feel ridiculous standing in front of this thing with my hand out waiting for it to acknowledge me. Second, it either never works or decides to work too well, as it did today. So there I am, palm outstretched to receive my treat like a good little dog and nothing happens. So I mess with the setting and then try again. Just as I’m ready to walk away empty-handed, tail between my legs, the thing goes nuts and starts spewing out M&Ms like some possessed paperboy on a vengeance ride. M&Ms are flying everywhere, they are all over the counter, the floor in the chairs and all the while I’m trying to get it to stop but every time I move it thinks I’m asking for more and chucks out a few more candy-coated jewel-toned bits in my general direction. Finally, Brianna gets the devil machine to stop as I am at this time cowering behind the desk in an attempt to remove myself from its evil detection. Don’t worry though, I managed to do all of this while still clutching a handful of the candy, and after the ordeal was over and the mess was cleaned up  rewarded myself with the now-melted chocolates. As I gazed at my rainbow-dyed hand I couldn’t help but think, “Melts in your mouth, not in your hand” and what a bunch of bull that was.

This thing is the devil...

Love & Squirrels.

Day #343: Pass the Cheese, I Brought the Wine

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The Story:

"Because Tuesday was just Monday 2.0"

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:     I am soooo ready for this string of crappy days to be over. So newsflash Tuesday, I’m over you. Just like I was over your bitch of a sister, Monday. You both suck toenails. I’m ready for some good news, some positive energy, and some relief from a sinus headache that insists on rearing its ugly head at least once a week to the point I can barely manage to function in my darkened cave-like office. So bring on Wednesday, I ready. And to celebrate the death of the twin crappy sisters Monday & Tuesday, I’m treating myself to a much needed and deserved glass of cab sav… or maybe two. Wine- it’s one of the perks of being a grown-up.

Love & Squirrels.

Day #342: When There’s A Bird In the Kitchen

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The Story:

“Grandfather! Grandfather! There is a bird in the house! Come quick!” Ginny ran yelling to where her grandfather had been peacefully ‘resting his eyes’ after spending the earlier morning hours working at his crossword puzzle.

“What?!? What is it Ginny, is your grandmother alright?” he said half-leaping out of his recliner before his bones remembered their age and slowed down his progress.

Frustrated that her grandfather didn’t immediately understand the obvious emergency of a bird being in the house, Ginny let out a loud huff like she had seen her mother do countless times in similar situations, and grabbing her grandfather’s hand, led him towards the kitchen-and the bird. “Grandmother is fine, she’s in the garden, but grandfather there is a bird in the kitchen!” she exclaimed for what must have been the 800th time.

Arriving in the kitchen, the twosome spotted the bird in question, a little house wren, who was perched happy-as-you-can-be on top of the sugar canister. Smiling at the small creature, who was currently engaged at investigating the floral pattern of the metal container where it was sitting, Ginny’s grandfather laughed, “Well, would you look at that? Must have flown in through the open French doors there…”

Outraged at her grandfather’s flippant behavior, Ginny stared wide-eyed up at him, “It’s not funny, grandfather! We have got to help him!”

“Okay, lil bit. What would you suggest we do?” her grandfather responded calmly, trying not to chuckle at his granddaughter’s earnest concern.

“Well, I have a plan, see?” Pulling out a page from her coloring book that she had stuffed in her pink corduroy pants pocket, Ginny flattened it out to reveal a quickly-executed sketch in purple crayon. “This is me here and this is you-,” she said pointing to one small stick figure (with a pink bow) and a larger stick figure. “Here I am making a million paper airplanes. You’re helping too. Then when we are done, it should only take like fifteen minutes ‘cause they are super easy, we will throw all of them through the door and outside. The bird will see all of the planes flying out through the door and he will follow them- I think he doesn’t know he can fly out that way,” she finished, obviously very proud of her plan.

“Of course if that doesn’t work I can always make a net or a bird-catching robot,” Ginny continued with a little less enthusiasm.

Smiling at her creativity, Ginny’s grandfather stroked his whiskers in feigned thoughtfulness before saying, “Why don’t we wait and see what he does on his own?”

Outraged all over again at his passive attitude towards the poor trapped bird, Ginny crossed her arms in disapproval, how could they just do nothing?!? She couldn’t understand it but decided to stay quiet and do as her grandfather had instructed.

For several minutes they both watched as the wren hopped about and twitched its head. Then, when Ginny didn’t think she could stand there another moment without trying to help the poor bird, something amazing happened. Cocking its head in their direction briefly, the house wren let out a loud CHIRP! Before flying from its perch on the sugar jar and out through the open doors.

“Grandfather! It worked! You’re a genius! How did you do that?” Ginny couldn’t believe what she had just witnessed.

“Sometimes you just gotta sit back and let things work themselves out,” her grandfather said cheerfully.

Staring at him thoughtfully, Ginny was silent for a few minutes before replying, “Let’s go play outer space and rocketman!”

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      After another crappy Monday, I arrived home with my best intention to do absolutely nothing constructive for as long as I could manage. My pity-party was quickly interrupted, however, when a dainty little house wren decided to fly inside and flit about my kitchen. I always panic a bit when a bird flies inside (we keep our back doors open all year long when we’re home) and immediately feel the need to rush to its assistance and help it find its way back outside. Thankfully, I am smart enough to resist this urge and quietly wait while the little guy investigates for a few minutes before deciding there was no easy meal to be had and flies out the way he came in. On days like today where I have to ‘sit by’ and watch things happen on a scale that I have no control over but nevertheless could greatly impact the job I do, it does me good to remember, sometimes the best thing you can do is just sit back and watch the events unfold on their own. And sometimes, it’s best to say ‘screw it’ and just make a cheesecake.

TWO:    I got two new pairs of cords today, and wearing them always makes me feel like a kid. I especially like the sound they make anytime you walk really fast… I feel like a cartoon.

Some of our house wrens...

Love & Squirrels.

 

 

Day #341: Sunday Mélange (cause I like that word…)

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The Story:

 

Searching for a vanity in vain…

Scorched by sunburn, but only on the passenger side…

Spinning in circles, casting our web and hoping to find a few spiders…

Sure enough, we found them in the city of eternal celebration.

Thrift stores and antique shops…

There we find beaded purses and cheetah-print chairs…

Too many nifty things, not enough cash…

Tomorrow we’ll be looking again.

So hop in the car and put on your shades…

Swing around the corner and grab a drink from Walgreens, maybe a 3-D tiger bookmark too…

Since today will be a real-life scavenger hunt…

Sunday, don’t let me down, time for a great find!

"Why wouldn't everyone need this in their life?" ~Andy

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The Not So Fantastic Reality:

The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:

ONE:      Today was a bit of a mélange of sorts, part scavenger hunt, part sunbathing, part road trip, part shopping extravaganza. Andy needed to find a few things for the movie he will be working on next month, so off we were to hunt down the following items: toy spider, a vanity for a girl’s bedroom, a 3-D tiger bookmark (for Andy’s personal collection) and a few other items, should we come across anything that tickled our fancy (like the antique clutch with beadwork I bargained for a cool $2). Our search took us all over Central Florida, from Michael’s to Toys R Us to a strip of antique shops in Sanford and thrift stores in Casselberry. We ended up finding a cheetah-print vanity chair, some plastic spiders in Party City (aka city of eternal celebration) and finally found Andy’s bookmark with the 3-D tiger (and another with a wolf) at like the third Walgreens we stopped at. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty productive day.

Love & Squirrels.