“Someone needs to talk to him, he’s completely intolerable since, well… you know,” Beatrice complained to the room. “I mean to say you are a professional after picking up a camera once? It’s ridiculous! And then to wheel about town calling yourself an ‘artist’ and the clothes! Good God the clothes! It was funny, at first, but this has got to stop,” Beatrice couldn’t believe they were even talking about her once best friend like this, but he had gone completely off the deep end. Everyone nodded in agreement before taking sips from their coffee or espresso or whatever caffeinated beverage they were clutching anxiously.
The six friends glanced at each other, waiting for someone to take the lead before Beatrice, seeing that it would be up to her, yet again, to lead the charge. “Ok, well I guess I could say something to him since no one else seems to be willing to,” she said with a huff (although secretly she relished moments like these). “He’s going to be here any second so I’ll try and guide the conversation and expect help from everyone if we are going to nip this in the bud, sound good?” seeing that everyone was in agreement, Beatrice settled back into the couch and waited for Clatif to arrive.
She didn’t have long to wait; a few minutes later, in a burst of black on black (his color of choice as of late) Clatif exploded into the small coffee shop. Tipping his Ray Bans down a tad on his nose to scour ‘the scene’, a gesture that annoyed Beatrice to no end, Clatif spotted his cluster of friends and sauntered over. “Hey gang, what’s the hap?” he said with forced bravado before collapsing onto the couch next the Beatrice.
“The hap? Oh God…” Beatrice groaned and looked at the rest of the group for support. “Well Clatif, I’m glad you asked, the gang and I actually-“
“Hold that thought Bea,” Clatif interrupted without looking up from his Iphone where he was tapping away furiously. “Oh and Bea? I don’t go by Clatif anymore, I prefer Tif, pronounced Teef, cool?” he continued, still not looking up from his phone, otherwise he might have seen six pairs of eyes widen in disbelief at the sheer level of douchieness.
“OK, I can’t take anymore!” Beatrice almost screamed. Aware that she was well on her way to causing a scene, Beatrice counted to ten before she continued, giving the other patrons in the shop time to lose interest and return to their laptops and Blackberries. Clatif had missed the excitement and was still mesmerized by his phone, that is until Beatrice, calm as you please, snatched it out of his hands and tossed it nonchalantly across the room to the waiting hands of her friend Tammy. Tammy immediately slid the confiscated phone into her purse and slid the purse behind her chair and under a table.
“Hey!” Clatif yelped as he watched his precious phone disappear, his surprise giving way to apprehension as he noticed the expression on each of his friends’ faces.
“We have had enough Clatif, this whole persona, it’s awful and ridiculous and it’s time to cut it out,” Beatrice said calmly, turning to face him on the couch. “We had no idea things would get this out of hand, I mean it was supposed to be a joke!” Beatrice looked a bit desperately around the circle of friends who were all nodding, urging her on.
“What… what do you mean? What was a joke?” Clatif asked, a bit shell-shocked. He had seen Beatrice like this plenty of times, but it was never directed towards him, and to be frank, he was a little scared.
Drawing a deep breath, Beatrice prepared to tell the truth, and it was ugly. “Well, when you kept going on and on about being a professional photographer after taking a few pictures of a girl’s pet parrot for her Facebook profile we thought we’d have a bit of fun at your expense and well, we…” Beatrice paused and decided she might as well just get through it. “…Clatif, we were the ones who set up that gallery showing of your ‘work’, it wasn’t InPhotos Now Magazine. We thought that would be the end of it, but you got even worse after that, dressing in all black, wearing a scarf 24/7, giving ‘tips’ to other photographers and those business cards! Photographer Extraordinaire? Really, Clatif???” Beatrice was panting in frustration at this point.
After several agonizingly long minutes, the only sound the nervous sipping from Styrofoam, Clatif looked up from his hands and said, “Wow, you guys really feel that way? Was I really that bad?” Looking around at the circle of his friends and seeing each of them nod in the affirmative was all the answer he needed. Staring back down at his hands for a moment, Clatif sighed and stood up. Slowly slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder he took a few steps towards the door before turning.
“Well the joke is on all of you! I knew I was being annoying, hell, I knew the gallery was a bunch of baloney so I thought I’d give you a taste of your own medicine! But what’s really funny, hilarious in fact, is someone saw ‘my work’ as you call it, and they like it. They like it so much they’re flying me up to NYC for a shoot, all expenses paid. So excuse me but I’ve got a flight to catch,” and with that he walked out.
Tif’s work can now be seen in National Geographic, VOGUE, Time Magazine and many other reputable publications.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: The name Clatif is an ode to one of my favorite adoptable dogs at the animal sanctuary where I help out from time to time. If you’d like to learn more check out In Harmony With Nature’s Facebook profile here.
TWO: Andy let me try my hand at taking some pictures of the dogs today at In Harmony With Nature, and I gotta to say, I had a pretty awesome time at it. It was fun trying to snap a perfect photo of each pup, trying different techniques, working with the lighting and timing… yeah I was getting good (never mind that slobber on the lens).
Love & Squirrels.