“I once saw a girl drop a buttered roll and then eat it right off the ground.”
“I once went swimming in the pool with a kid and when we both stopped for a minute the water around us began to get warmer… yeah, he totally peed in the pool.”
“I once stepped in a big pile of doggy doo without realizing it on my way to class. Halfway through the lecture the teacher stopped and asked that the ‘smelly kid’ please excuse themselves. Everyone looked at me… I was the smelly kid.”
“I once went out to the mall with some of my girlfriends and we decided to hit up the food court first. After polishing off a slice of pizza we walked around awhile before a nice little old lady tugged on my elbow and suggested I visit the Ladies Room. I had unknowingly sat down in a big pile of maraniara sauce… in my brand new cream skirt.”
“I once found a half carton of rancid milk in the woods… full of live maggots.”
“I tagged along with my dad once to one of his plumbing jobs. The whole house smelled like grandma death. After searching around a bit, we found out why… a whole nest of dead rats decomposing behind the wall in their bathroom.”
“I once found this perfect pair of trousers in my local Goodwill. I was so excited because I had been looking for pants like them forever so I took them to the dressing room and pulled them on. They fit like a glove. As I unfastened the waistband I noticed a bit of discoloration and after taking the pants completely off saw that the entire crotch was a sickly yellow color. That wasn’t the worst part… I turned them to see the back, yeah the entire seat was speckeled brown, a concetration of the stain was right on the seam of the back (aka the crack).”
“I once found a beautiful natural spring when a group of us went for a hike a few years back. Beating everyone to it, I knelt down and scooped several large handfuls of water into my mouth. When I noticed no one else was drinking, I looked to see what they were looking at… that’s when I saw the coupl hundred bats flying above us (and pooping into the water).”
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: Ever experience something so gross you’re not sure you’ll ever be the same again? Well, it wasn’t quite that bad but still… it was pretty dang grody. While shopping in my local Goodwill I happened upon a pair of grey slacks that looked like something I would be interested in purchasing. But, after further inspection I discovered that they were severely misused by whomever the previous owner happened to be. I mean this gal either died in these pants (at which point her bowels emptied) or someone should have invested in some adult diapers. Yikes. Yeah, so that pretty much ended my interest in shopping for the rest of the day…at least at the Goodwill. Oh, and some version of each of the ‘stories’ above is based in truth (hope you’re not eating while reading today’s post!).
Love & Squirrels.