I spot you
From over fifty yards away
There in your guise of innocence
You guard the entryway,
Picking off the weakest and the unsuspecting.
My throat closes up;
My hands begin to sweat;
I quell a tremor- I know I must approach,
But can I hope to pass unscathed?
Looking intently for your next victim
You don’t see me yet.
I search for the others- you always travel in packs;
I see them now, swarming on some poor soul, he never had a chance.
I breeze past the first of their ranks undetected
Suppressing a cry of jubilation I press on.
The entrance is but a few feet away
Somehow their beady eyes and nimble legs
Have failed them- allowing me safe passage.
Out of nowhere, I see a flash of blue
Accosted suddenly by the leader of the motley crew
I wince in anticipation as he dodges in front of me,
“Would you like to buy some popcorn?”
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: OK, I’m probably gonna get a lot of crap for this one, so be it. Today, I decided to take advantage of the break in rain and get a few errands out of the way, first stopping at Walgreens to pick up a prescription and then on to my local Publix to stock up for the next week (and the impending flood since the rain is showing no signs of stopping for a few days). As I began to approach the Walgreens, my stomach dropped and I thought seriously about turning around and going through the drive-thru. But, by that time, they had spotted me. With their adorable scarfs and hats, there they were right by the door (that has to be a safety hazard, right?) just waiting for me to come closer. Cub Scouts… ugh. After smiling uncomfortably and avoiding eye contact, I all but sprinted inside saying “no thanks” and feeling like the scum on the bottom of scums’ shoe for not buying crappy popcorn. It’s not the Cub Scouts, per se, that I have a problem with, it’s anyone that sets up shop in front of a storefront and guilts unsuspecting shoppers into buying newspapers, cookies, popcorn, key chains or those rubber bracelets. It just really rubs me the wrong way. Say what you will, that I’m a misanthrope, curmudgeoned, grumpy etc., but is there something wrong with just wanting to patronize a store without having to worry about being hounded by a tableful of brightly dressed kids (and it’s always kids) trying to sell me crap? After escaping Walgreens, I drove a few blocks to Publix… and another table of Boy Scouts. I almost lost it. Having to say ‘no thanks’ to popcorn again, and feel like the worst human being alive again, I was ready to call it a day.
Love & Squirrels.