I don’t want to write this. I feel no emotional tug to continue, although I know you would wish it otherwise. The things I want to write about are ‘inappropriate’ as you are so fond of saying. They are too ‘racy’, too ‘gory’, too ‘out there’, you would say. “Think of your reputation, think of your job,” you prudently drone on.
Shut up, I think silently to myself as I nod in agreement. “Why do my arguments never seem to make any sense,” I wondered while you picked something out of your teeth. “Because it’s a funny topic?” I offered as my weak defense.
You say something sarcastic but I don’t hear you, I’m busy mentally scrolling through some of the topics I would write about if it were up to me… and only me. Things like computer techs being scared off by lactating women… the overwhelming stink of formaldehyde in a hallway as cadaver brains are sawed into… wolves eating rose soap and burping bubbles… making whoopee all over the house and sending flowers that transform into giant cupcakes upon reception. But noooo, she won’t let me write about those things. Nope. Instead I’m restrained to writing:
How to Make a Cake for One in a Mug!
Shoot me now, could that topic be any duller? I mean, cake is good, don’t get me wrong. But this topic doesn’t even include exploding clowns or talking cactuses or giant man-eating grasshoppers. I mean, gag me with a pitchfork, that’s just plain boring any way you slice it. Oh well, better get started, she’s beginning to look antsy about meeting our “deadline”. Annnd heeere weee gooo…Welcome to my blog! Today I’m going to show you how to make a delicious chocolate cake for one, yummo! All you need is a few ingredients, a large mug and a microwave! Making a scrumptious confection is so easy, you’ll wonder why…
[Hair pulling in frustration in 3…2…1]
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: I’m going through one of those ‘nothing interesting ever happens to me so what the eff am I going to write about!’ kind of phases. I hate them. They seem to plague me from time to time, so this is my way of dealing with it tonight. Thing is, interesting things do happen to me, quite a bit, actually. The problem is my conscience/ rational self steps in and prevents my devil-may-care self from writing about them for one sensible reason or another. Reasons like: “you can’t write that! It’s unprofessional”. “Or you can’t write that! She’d be mortified if she knew”. And perhaps the worst being, “you can’t write that! You’re grandma might read it”! Sigh. What’s a girl to do… but sneak them in anyway? <<INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE.>> The ‘story’ (if you can call it that… which I wouldn’t encourage) above is what an internal dialog sounds like when I have several events that were actually part of my day but for one reason or not don’t pass the ‘safe topic’ test. Incidentally, I’ve sprinkled some of those very real topics in the ‘story’ above… have fun figuring out which are fact and which are complete manifestations of my twisted grey matter.
Love & Squirrels.
P.S. The cake in a mug is actually pretty tasty. And only takes two minutes in the microwave!