I tried to go on without you. I thought I could. After what you did before, embarrass me like that, I thought you deserved to be left behind. After all, people do it all the time, or so I hear.
So off you went, and off I went. I felt bold, I felt, well… I felt a little wild. This new sense of freedom was going straight to my head. I walked out the door, tipsy on the newness, I must admit there was a bit of swagger in those first few steps.
But as I headed further down the street, the weight of my decision began to dawn on me. Suddenly, it felt as if every pedestrian strolling by, every motorist idling at the light, every set of eyes was on me. Feeling self-conscious, no bare, I tried to keep my head high, reminding myself that this had been my decision. The street yawned out in front of me, it seemed to have added a few blocks since the last time I walked this route. I wasn’t making any headway towards my destination. My swagger was now more of a shuffle as I looked away from the peering eyes that seemed to hone in on me from every direction.
God, what have I done? This was a mistake; I should have never gone out like this- all alone. This is awful. I couldn’t imagine how people did this on every day. It only took a few city blocks before I was missing you. I know now that I need you in my life. Every day. Thinking of you now only seems to make things worse so I try to hurry along.
Perhaps, if I’m lucky, I can reach my destination and upon completing my errand speedily return, where you will still be waiting. I whisper a silent prayer that you will be there still and turned my attention to the task at hand.
Feet! don’t fail me now! One foot in front of the other, I can’t move quickly enough. This whole episode has been a fool’s errand. What was I thinking? I try to avoid eye contact from all who pass me by, it’s as if they know and I cannot risk facing them to confirm this suspicion.
And then, my doorstep. I reach for the handle- there’s no time for second guessing I’m sure of myself now. I lunge through the threshold and immediately seek you out. There you sit, quietly, patiently; you knew I wouldn’t be gone long. Not without you. Relief spreads through me and I know I am whole again, I know all things are right and decent in the world once more.
You are like a second skin, how I thought I could go on without you seems ridiculous now. Never again.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: Ok, this may be a bit awkward for any family members reading this, so let me just say… um… sorry? Today I was in the mood for wearing a dress to work. I really like dresses, they are very comfortable and really help cut down on those ‘what to wear today?’ decisions that I struggle/obsess over every night before bed and again every morning. Sadly, embarrassingly, I have added a few extra pounds to my figure as of late and did not take this into account when dressing this morning. Now the particular dress in question is a cotton A-line dress that usually falls quite nicely and doesn’t really ‘hug’ any curves… that is it didn’t used to. Now that I’m in my pre-workout-gonna-start-exercising-again-I-promise phase, it is not so forgiving. Especially in the backside area. So after spending a good three of four hours at work, walking around thinking I was hot stuff, I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and gasped in horror. Oh. My. God. I was sporting full on VPL. For those of you not familiar with this tragic phenomenon, VPL stands for Visible Panty Line and it is one of my MAJOR pet peeves.
Quickly rushing back to my office, I contemplated feigning an illness so I would be spared any further humiliation thanks to my inexcusable wardrobe malfunction. Just as I decided I would just have to stay seated for the remainder of the day, my stomach let out a giant growl. Great. I didn’t bring my lunch today. Which meant I would have to trek all the way over to the student union to get something, and in so doing risk my VPL being seen by hundreds of students. The thought alone was giving me heart palpitations. Rather than skip the main meal of my day (trying to eat a bit lighter at dinner time) I had a brilliant idea- I’d just slink out of the offending undergarments, hightail it to the union and no one would be the wiser. Feeling like a very smart cookie, I dropped my drawers and started the walk across campus for some grub. About five steps in- I knew I had made a mistake. This suspicion was further confirmed upon walking outside- and into the wind. Holy cow, what was I thinking? I’ve never been so self-conscious in my life. I felt completely exposed and it seemed that every student I passed knew that I was going free and easy. I walked as quickly as my feet (and modesty) would allow me and after grabbing something to eat, I rushed back to my office. I’m not sure if anyone actually noticed (probably not) but the whole experience left me a bit traumatized. The panties went immediately back on and miraculously, I didn’t need to use the Ladies Room for the remainder of the day and stayed safely seated until the day’s end. Whew. I know, I’m a mess.
Love & Squirrels.