Shock or Disbelief: “Hmmm… my paper should have printed by now. Wonder what’s up. What? What do you mean paper read error?!?
<<Walk over to printer, press a few buttons with no results. Open paper drawer. Open other doors as indicated by the printer display. See the jammed paper. Realize it is stuck snuggly just out of reach, there is no way to tug it out.>>
<<Repetitively check your phone for the time. Forget the time immediately and have to check again. Turn the printer off. Wait exactly fifteen seconds, convinced this is the magical time needed for the printer fairies to remove the jammed paper and return your printer to its previous state of functionality. Turn printer back on. Frown in confusion at the paper still jammed in the printer.>>
Bargaining: “God, if you’re listening I could use a favor here. I just need to print this one thing and I swear I will do whatever you want. Just help me find this jammed piece of paper and I’ll go to church on Sunday. I’ll volunteer at the shelter on the weekends, just please help me with this one thing!”
<<Rise off knees and peer into printer expecting miracle. Lay prostrate on floor in hopes a more humbling position will be more effective. It is not.>>
Guilt: “Why do I always do this?!? I wait till the last minute and then wonder why things go wrong. I’m such a procrastinator… if I had just printed it out last night instead of messing around on Facebook I wouldn’t be in this fix. Man… what is wrong with me?!?”
<<Sit on edge of bed and contemplate where you went wrong and why you always seem to make bad decisions. Open a fresh Mt. Dew and chug it.>>
Anger: “This is ridiculous! It’s 2011 and we still can’t figure out how to avoid jamming up perfectly printable paper in a damn printer?!? Really?!? What the hell is wrong with this thing!”
<<Start to punch printer and slam it on the desk. Grab a pair of scissors and attempt to pry out paper. Get increasingly angry as you succeed in only chopping the edge of the page into little tabs.>>
Depression: “That’s it then. I guess I’m just going to fail this class. And if I fail this class, my GPA will drop and I’ll lose my scholarship. I won’t have enough money to stay in school without that money so I’ll have to drop out. I’ll end up standing in a street somewhere, cleaning car windows for a few bucks. My life is basically over.”
<<Stare at your reflection in the bathroom mirror and imagine your face with a grungy beard. Hold up your imaginary “Help, I’m homeless” sign and wonder if you would acquire a taste for food found in the trash.>>
Acceptance and Hope: “Well, I guess I’ll just go to class and see if the instructor is forgiving. Maybe he’ll let me print it out on his printer. That would be awesome. I bet he would, he’s pretty understanding. I’ll just explain what happened and I’m sure he’ll give me a break.”
<<Skip to class and after a detailed explanation on how printers are the devil. Laugh with the instructor who had a similar experience in grad school as you hand him your flash drive and he prints off a copy for you. Crisis averted.>>
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: Anyone who’s ever worked in an office, needed to print a paper or directions at the last minute knows what cruel and temperamental machines printers can be. As we speak, my printer lies and several pieces in my office- a veritable humpty dumpty of office equipment. All I wanted was to print some name badges. The first sheet went through like a dream. And then, not three minutes later it was like a jam explosion in my printer. I have never seen and heard all the buttons go off simultaneously until today. It wasn’t pretty. Finally I found where the page was stuck and instantly realized that my little fingers were not going to do the job. The page was barely peeking out from the guts of the machine, maybe a quarter inch. I tried turning it upside down. I tried putting it on its side. I took out the paper tray. I opened everything that could possibly be opened. I tried using my scissors as pliers. I tried wedging the page between the scissors and letter opener. No dice. After half an hour of messing with the contraption all I had succeeded in doing was shred the edge of the page from my efforts with the scissors (the one time I wished for a dull pair of scissors). Finally, I gave up. I conceded. The machine won. I put in a work order so one of the tech guys can come and take a look (and inevitably make fun of me for letting a simple machine get the better of me. A paper jam? Really Sam? Ugh… I can hear it now).
Love & Squirrels.