Ricky knew he had a problem, he knew he needed to stop but… he couldn’t. As with any addiction, Ricky had eventually lost a great deal because of his weakness, his wife and home, his career, his friends, even his dog had started to shun him rather than bear silent witness to his indulgence. He had hit rock bottom. Sitting on the curb of the road, Ricky nursed his black eye and thought, “This sure isn’t punny”. Ricky was addicted to puns.
The black eye was the most recent of the slew of negative reactions Ricky received thanks to his addiction. While shopping for a tent (a.k.a his new home) in the Army/Navy Surplus store, Ricky couldn’t help but engage the grizzled veteran behind the counter in one of his favorite puns. “Now stop me if you’ve heard this one,” Ricky said as he slapped the counter, “you know, they say the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now quite the seasoned veteran… isn’t that a gas!” Ricky let out the beginning of a huge laugh before, POW! the man behind the counter, who also happened to be a Vietnam vet who had witnessed two of his buddies die, popped him right in the eye and shoved him out of his store.
“You’re never going to learn, Ricky,” he could almost hear his wife say. “I could learn if you had lesson” he mumbled to himself. She was right of course, and even though it killed him to admit it, he missed her. Joyce had been a good sport at the beginning, even chiming in with her own pun now and then. But what had started as a cute quirk soon became an annoying habit and finally ended in permanent cleft in their marriage. It was all of the “take my wife… no really, take her” and the “she may be a gossip but she’s got a great sense of rumor” and “I view my marriage as a matter of wife and debt” and on and on.
Finally, the last straw had come as they were shopping in a home furnishings store, Ricky spotted a porcelain statue of a seal. Running over to it he screamed at the top of his voice, “Joyce! Joyce, look! Someone broke the seal! Ha, ha, ha, get it? Someone BROKE the SEAL?!?”. An employee, alerted by the shouting, had come to investigate the matter and the mortification Joyce experienced as she tried to explain her husbands’ outburst was more than she could take. She had left him in the aisle, still gleefully clapping his hands at the busted marine animal, and driven home. Hours later, Ricky had arrived home to find his belongings in the driveway and the locks changed. A note had been pinned to one of his suitcases that read,
That had been two weeks ago. Ricky tried to push the memory away and stood up, it was time to get moving. Shuffling down the sidewalk, Ricky was lost in his thoughts (meaning he was coming up with more puns) when suddenly he could no longer move his left foot. His shoe seemed to be stuck to the ground. “As the shoe said to the hat, you go ahead, I’ll follow on foot,” Ricky mumbled to himself as he yanked his foot up, leaving the sole of his worn-down loafers stuck to the sidewalk. As Ricky was about to let out a sting of curses at his newest misfortune, he heard a small voice from a passing car say, “Look mommy, that man just lost his sole!”.
Ricky smiled and knew he was going to be alright… everything was going to be alright.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
ONE: My boyfriend is a punny man. At least I think so. He honestly can’t help himself and the puns he comes up with are, well… he thinks they are funny, anyway. So today we are running a few errands and as we walk through the store he’s dishing out little puns left and right. He must be butter cause he was on a roll tonight so I thought I’d give him some props. Two of the puns in the story were actual puns he used tonight. “Someone broke the seal” actually came out of his mouth as we strolled the aisle in Big Lots and came across a broken seal figurine sitting on a box. The second brilliant remark came as we were stopped at a stoplight and he yelled, “Hey look! Someone lost their sole on the side of the road!” It took me awhile to see what he was talking about but sure enough, there was someone’s discarded shoe sole laying in to road next to our vehicle. Yep, he must have been born with big ears cause he’s so corny (Oh, God! I’m stuck in pun world! Send help!!!).
Love & Squirrels.