(PLEASE READ IN YOUR BEST BARRY WHITE VOICE…. mmmm, that’s smooth)
Earlier that day…
Oh yeah, hey there sweet thang, can I sit with you for a while? Ah, thanks baby. You just finishing your lunch? That’s cool. Can I tell ya something? You have the prettiest smile I have seen in a long time. No, you really do. I’m not kiddin girl, its one in a million, I can’t get over it. This may sound strange, but I want to live in it, and just be surrounded by your luminescent beauty. Can I be direct with you? I know it’s only been a few minutes but you mind if I hang with you tonight? That’s cool baby, real cool.
6 hours later
Well hello, there sugar. Over here baby girl….no, over to your right a little, yeah there ya go. Mmmm…hey, mama, why don’t cha come a little closer? Oooo, that’s better, baby. You like what you see? Don’t pretend like you don’t see my fine self. I saw you over there, playing coy, trying not to stare. Don’t worry you can look; I like it when you look. Who her? Don’t worry about her. Me and her, we’ve had a good run, but I gotta be honest with ya, mama… I think I’m ready to move on. I’ve been stuck with her for too long and this rolling stone can’t be gatherin no moss. Going so soon? Ahh baby, don’t be that way. Well ok then, catch ya on the flip.
1 hour later
Hey friend, why don’t you back off, this here is my cabbage patch. That’s right, you see me now don’t ya, brother? That’s what I thought, turn around and keep walking, player. This here is all mine and I plan on sticking around just a little bit longer.
1 hour 15 minutes later
Hey cutie. Don’t look away, be a love and point me out. Too embarrassed? You know you want to, baby. I’m special and you know it. No? Just gonna let me hang out here all on my lonesome? Ok, suit yourself lil girl… Oh, now you’re just going to walk away? Your loss… I’m comfortable right where I am, anyway.
15 minutes later
Hey baby, let’s get us a drink, one of them fruity things with lots of sugar. Mmmmm, cosmo…daddy’s favorite. Whadda ya say we work the room a little bit, now that you’re feeling loose. I thought I saw a photographer on the other side of the bar, we should document this moment together, forever. Those other girls? Nah baby, you know you’re the only one for me, I feel like I’m almost a part of you. Where could I find another smile like yours? That’s right, mama, now let’s take that walk and show off those pearly whites.
30 minutes later
Oh that was fun. I’ve never seen you smile so big! Now where are we going? What’s through that door, baby? No, you don’t need to look in the mirror darlin’, just ask me and I’ll tell you what a fox you are. See, you look fine, not a hair out of place, eyeliner is still straight, nose is powdered, ok let’s get back out there. Wait, no baby… don’t fool with that lipstick mess, it will just junk up those luscious lips of yours… come on now don’t put that on, daddy just wants to-
“Oh my God!” Brittany screamed at her reflection.
“What is it, Brit?” Sarah looked over to see her friend awkwardly grimacing into the club’s dingy bathroom mirror.
“First of all, it’s Brittany, not Brit, ok? And you mean to tell me you didn’t notice? What the hell Sarah, you could have told me I had the biggest piece of spinach lodged between my front teeth! I’ve been walking around all night with half of green acres sprouting out of my mouth! Oh no, the photographer… I posed for half a dozen pictures tonight!” Brittany splashed a huge gulp of water into her mouth, swished and spat before once again critiquing her visage in the mirror.
“Sorry, Brittany… it’s dark out there, I swear I didn’t see it! I mean what kind of a friend would I be if I just let you go the entire night with spinach in your teeth?” Sarah struggled to hide a guilty smile.
“Ugh… it’s like I’ve been carrying around some smarmy little scrounger in my mouth… no wonder no one wanted anything to do with me… I thought my game was off or something,” Brittany grabbed a paper towel and rubbed her front teeth to ensure the scrounger had left nothing behind before tossing it on the floor.
“Thanks for nothing, Sarah. God… next time remind me that you’re the world’s worst wingman so I remember to bring a friend that actually cares about me,” Brittany huffed, elbowing Sarah out of her way as she left the women’s room.
Sarah knew she should feel bad, not telling Brittany she had been ushering around a piece of spinach in her teeth, but the girl had been so awful to her the entire night, Sarah was having difficulty summoning any true remorse.
Promising herself she wouldn’t be this petty again, no matter how terribly her ‘friend’ treated her, Sarah decided that this time she would only wait about an hour before telling Brittany that she had left the ladies room with her skirt tucked neatly into her granny panties.
The Not So Fantastic Reality:
The above story was inspired by the following tidbits I encountered today:
Sorry if that first part got creepy for anyone… guess you’ll just have to work on your Barry White…
ONE: Ever have one of those days where you’re really on your game? I mean, from the time you wake up to the time you call it a day things just go your way and everything you do has that little bit of extra panache? Today was NOT one of those days for me. It wasn’t awful, I was just very in-tune with my inner (and outer) nerd today. From the time I got lost for 20 minutes trying to find my dog’s vet firs thing this morning (I had been circling it the entire time …derrrr) to the point where I literally walked out of my shoe heading to my car- things were not going my way. This includes the 1.5 hours I spent with two very lovely potential students as I gave them a tour of our facilities and talked my head off about the program. I was feeling great about the job I had done promoting the program, and gave myself a little pat on the back thinking I had ended the work day on a high note. On my way to home, I quickly glanced into the visor mirror to gauge see the level of my dishevelment. Sweet God… what… is… that?!? Lodged between my front teeth was the largest piece of unidentified food I had ever seen. How it had managed to stay in place since lunch (only a mere 5 hours prior) was worthy of admiration. Mortification instantly set in as I realized I had gabbed my silly little head off to those applicants with a giant piece of food in my teeth. Groan.
TWO: The lovely ladies mentioned above (you know, the ones who failed to inform me that Garfield had stored his leftovers in-between by teeth?) were named Brittany and Sarah (I think…sorry, I’m terrible with names).
Love & Squirrels.